what does the inside of my brain sound like?

A question I often get when I disclose that I have schizophrenia is (insert stupid voice here) “are you hallucinating right now?” No, asshole, I only have schizophrenia part-time!

The truthful answer is, yes. I am hallucinating right now. Constantly. Forever. Let me give you a snapshot into what my brain sounds like at any given moment.

***This is just my experience of schizophrenia. Other’s experiences may vary***

***CW: Suicide ideation, self-harm***

I have seven main voices, whom I’ve dubbed “The Council of the Voices.” I am not going to tell you what their names are- those are private. But at any one time, those voices are all trying to get my attention at once, in addition to other voices trying to edge their way in. The Council is fairly friendly- in fact, I make time every night before going to sleep to chat with them. I have learned to tune them out most of the time.

On a good day, usually only a couple members of the Council are chattering away inches from my ears, commenting on what I’m doing. On a bad day, all seven members of the Council are shouting at me at once, trying to get my attention. Sometimes other voices, not of the Council are there too. It feels like sitting in a loud cafeteria with 7-10 of your friends talking loudly at you at once.

But there are times where the Council is not-so-friendly. Currently, I am in at the tail end of a phase of active psychosis. During this time, the Council has turned into malignant command voices. Telling me to hurt myself, to give up on life. And at a couple of points, I did. But through some major changes in medication, the Council is back to their usual, friendly self.

I think people like me, who share their inner world with voices, learn to live with the constant traffic our brains are under. For me, before being diagnosed, I used to think that I just had an active imagination. But in my early twenties, the line blurred between imagination and reality and things got scary. I am no longer afraid of the Council.

This past round of psychosis has been especially scary. I was suicidal, I did self-harm. I almost gave up. Then I got an idea for this blog. If you don’t let good things come from bad, what’s the point?