What do “Command Hallucinations” Sound Like?

***TRIGGER WARNING: This post contains foul and vile language said to me by the command and mean voices. This post contains racial, homophobic, transphobic, and fatphobic slurs, along with content surrounding suicide and self harm. Please read at your own risk.***

The past couple of days for me have honestly not been going too well. I’ve had an increase in “command” voices and voices that are meaner than usual. I decided to write out what exactly these voices are saying. Keep in mind that these voices in no way represent my personal thoughts and opinions. This is simply what they are saying to me. Also, these voices come in and out in intensity and volume, and there are about 10 of them, from my estimates. These voices also come with visual hallucinations. And with me not being much of a visual artist, I sadly cannot express them to you other than in writing. Schizophrenic hallucinations will be denoted with italics. Here is an episode from earlier today:

Hey. Hey Ryan. Ryan. RYAN FUCKING LOOK AT ME. HEED ME MOTHERFUCKER! Piece of shit. Faggot. Nigger. You’re nothing. You’re nothing without us. Dumbass. No one loves you. Don’t fucking ignore me you fat fuck! We are never leaving. Motherfucker. They’re listening to you. They’re listening to you. They’re watching you. Fag. Look at that knife. Look at it. I SAID LOOK! Pick it up. Just do it. Do it. We’ll leave if you cut. You want us to leave, right? Just do it. DO IT! Worthless. Cocksucker. Tranny. No one will ever love you. All alone. But you have us! We’ll keep you company. We’re never leaving. Tranny. Nigger. RYAN. Listen to me. I SAID LISTEN. YOU CAN’T IGNORE US. We’re watching you. Fucker. Look over there. Look. I SAID LOOK! Worthless tranny. All alone. Fatass. They’re watching your thoughts. Always watching. Piece of shit.

This is how far I let the episode go before I took my medication. The voices have mostly gone away. A couple command voices still poke through. But they now sound something like this:

Hehehe. Hey Ryan! Look at me! Hahaha. Whatcha doin? Writing again? That’s fun! That’s a funny video you’re watching! MOTHERFUCKER. Woah what was that? Sorry dude! We love you, Ryan! Never alone! You should go outside! It’s a beautiful day! Everything is so beautiful! You love nature. Your cat is cute! And your dog is too. TRANNY. Whoops! Sometimes those assholes come through. Hahaha. So many people love you! Especially us! Don’t pay attention to those assholes. CUT YOURSELF. Woah, don’t do that. Sorry. Beautiful day today! Don’t forget to have fun! Hehehe. Ayyyyee you got a message! Someone who loves you! 

So, this second passage is more akin to what the voices are usually like, now that I’m on medication. Generally happy voices with a couple of random interjections from the command voices every once in a while. Again, these voices in no way reflect my personal opinions or thoughts regarding the vile racial and transphobic slurs the voices use in the first passage. I get that this post is hard to read, but I think it’s important for people to know what people with schizophrenia hear in their heads on a daily basis. Spreading awareness can be a beautiful thing, but we need to acknowledge the ugly parts, too. And, needless to say, the first passage is definitely ugly. I greatly appreciate you all getting through this post. I hope it helps build empathy and understanding for those experiencing command hallucinations.

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