The Importance of Setting Boundaries

For those of you who know me in real life, outside of this blog, you know that I am a huge proponent of self-care and boundaries. What is self-care? Well, I think it’s pretty self-explanatory, but I think the concept of self-care commonly gets misinterpreted. When you think of self-care, what comes to mind? For me, it’s Instagram and Tik Tok influencers taking luxurious bubble baths with fancy bath bombs, 37 step skin-care routines, and exotic tropical vacations complete with bottomless mimosas, massages, and lounging on a private beach. Sound familiar? Yeah. All of these actions are self-care, but this is only a tiny snippet of this concept. 

Outside of this blog, I work as a college instructor, teaching Indigenous Studies. In my classes, we explore content related to genocide, sexual assault, and environmental disrespect and degradation. These topics, to put it mildly, are super upsetting. In fact, I once had a student faint when I was lecturing about Missing and Murdered Indigenous People (MMIP). I admit, I may have gone a little overboard describing all of the gory details of some of the cases I gave as examples. 

That example aside, part of my curriculum is self-care. I have my students watch a video about realistic self-care strategies, and create a self-care plan for the term. This is to ensure that my students, of course, are taking care of themselves- a concept that a shockingly large number of college students are unfamiliar with, with the outcome that they are able to interact with the course content in a meaningful, productive, and positive way. If I had a nickel for every time that I read in the assignment submissions that the student in question had never once considered self-care, I’d be able to pay off my student loan debt!

So, how does this relate to the title of this post? Well, believe it or not, setting boundaries with people is a form of self-care! It is truly shocking how many people allow others to walk all over them, openly manipulate, and straight-up disrespect and take advantage of them. Have you ever read or listened to those “crazy family” Reddit posts? I watch them on Tik Tok late at night, and they’re my guilty pleasure videos, other than that girl that makes “the dirtiest ‘bevs’ known to mankind.” I digress, but every single one of those situations from Reddit could have been avoided if those people would just grow a spine and set some damn boundaries with their families. 

I know, I know, that’s super harsh, and it’s not that simple. When we are chronically manipulated by people who are supposed to love us, it can be really difficult to set boundaries and state your needs.

What are boundaries? According to helpguide.org, boundaries are “a crucial part of maintaining your identity, mental health, and physical well-being” (2025). I know that I’ve used some big, scary words and phrases in this post, such as “manipulation” and “taking advantage of,” but sometimes the people who are doing the manipulation and taking advantage of you don’t even realize they are doing so. Other times, they do, and the only way to make it stop is to create strong, healthy boundaries.

So, how do we set boundaries? Boundary-setting first starts with a bit (sometimes a lot) of introspection. What do you need? How urgent is this need? Have you hit your breaking point? Have you hit the point of needing to break off the relationship if the other party does not comply? Are the boundaries that you are trying to set reasonable, and feasible? In a perfect world, how would you feel when you interact with this person or people?

The next step to setting boundaries involves some writing. Write how you feel, why you feel that way, and what you think it will take to make things better. Here’s an example of a boundary of mine: I absolutely do not tolerate being deadnamed or misgendered. This boundary goes for friends, family, strangers, employers, students- all people who know me and want me to stick around know that if they intentionally use my dead name or misgender me, I’m gone, and if they want me to come back into their life, they owe me an apology and need to show that they will actively work on speaking to me in a respectful way. 

Let’s look at this boundary in the lens of the definition on helpguide.org. My identity is that of a man, and my mental health is eons better when people use he/him pronouns and my chosen name when referring to me. This boundary hits upon two out of three of the qualifiers in the definition of boundaries. 

Another boundary of mine is that I do not take shots of alcohol. For me, this is a physical health boundary. If hard liquor touches my stomach and is not immediately followed by a chaser, that shot comes right back up. I had to enforce this boundary at a family party where a cousin of mine was pressuring me to take shots with her. She asked me three times to take shots with her, and I said no each time. I did not tell her this, but I decided that if she asked me again that I would leave the party. Sometimes, you don’t need to make a giant scene when you are enforcing your boundaries, especially if you are in danger, or even simply do not have the energy to do so. Of course, my cousin did not make me feel physically unsafe, and I love her so much, but my boundary is that I do not take shots, and if my family could not respect that, I was not going to stay at the party. 

I cannot stress enough that you need to have strong, healthy boundaries in your life. They are a measure of protection against manipulation, whether it be intentional or not. Imagine if you had no boundaries at work. Sure, I’ll take on ten extra hours of work per week! Sure, I’ll work for less money! Sure, I’ll come in early and stay late! Sound familiar? We are so often expected to be available 24/7 for everyone. This is simply not feasible or healthy. You need time to yourself. You need time to take care of yourself, your home, and your pets. 

Don’t be afraid to put yourself first. It is not selfish to do so. This is your life. Not your mom’s, not your boss’s, not your cousin’s, and not your friend’s. Put yourself first. You do not need to answer to anyone except for yourself.

I am trying to monetize this website, but I don’t really know how to, being famously bad with computers. So I’m going to plug my venmo and paypal. Any gifts I get from you all will be met with the utmost gratitude. I’ve got bills to pay, and pets to feed!

Paypal: @RyanYounker

Venmo: @Ryan-Younker-26