Voices 7/13

Hello everyone, I thought that today I’d give you an example of what is available when you subscribe ($5/month) to my blog. This series “Voices” is something I started to give an example of what the voices from my schizophrenia say to me on a daily basis. These posts are written in real time, literally me sitting down and writing what they are currently saying. How this works is that the voices’ speech are written in italics, and the things I say back to them are in regular bold type. Any regular type such as the section after this first italics section is just necessary narrative speech to give context. Please know that the foul and vile language used by the voices is in no way representative of how I am as a person, and I honestly could never say most of these things out loud. 

Hehehe you got up late! You got up late! Failure! Failure! Gonna be late tomorrow ahahha. You’re so fired! Fired! No job you lazy fuck! Look, I’ve got a system in place. I’ll be fine. Hahaha so pathetic. You’re gonna be fired you lazy fuck. Everyone hates you. Except us. We love you. Everyone hates you. Hates you. Hates you. Gonna fail. Stupid failure. You should kill yourself. Do it. DO IT. DO IT. DO IT. DO IT. FUCKING DO IT. Cut yourself! Burn yourself. Fucking do it. We’re not leaving until you’re dead or bleeding dumbass. 

WE HATE YOU KILL YOURSELF MOTHERFUCKER. RAT BASTARD. Piece of shit. Fucking do it. Kill yourself. Kill yourself. Alexis was right about you. Fucker. Nigger. Kill yourself. Burn yourself. Fucking do something. Fucker. We hate you. Everyone is out to get you. Never alone. Bleed motherfucker. Fag. 

I took my PRN (pro re nata- as needed) of 5 mg haldol and 1 mg lorazepam due to these command voices (voices telling me to harm myself). This next entry is from about 40 minutes later. 

Hi Ryan! We love you! Just relax! It’s still the weekend! Work-life balance, right? Hahahaha. Everything is beautiful! Handsome man. Handsome. Good-looking. Gonna crush it at work tomorrow. You’re a two-job working boy now! Supporting yourself and your little family. Cute! Those MAGA assholes have nothing on you. Smarty-pants. Smarty-pants in a good way hahaha. Wow, you really changed your tune. 

We’re not stupid, we know you took your medicine. The mean part of us wishes you dumped the whole bottle down your throat, but this isn’t too bad either. Uh… ok? Don’t worry about it. Everything’s fine now. Chill out, dude. Hahahaha. Your dog loves you. Your cats love you. Your parents and Kiana love you. It’s all good! Life’s good! We’re good.