Let Me Introduce You To Some Characters!

I think I’ve done this blog for long enough that I feel comfortable introducing you to the voices that I hear on a daily, hourly, minute-by-minute basis. There are many of them. 

1. Taylor: Taylor was my childhood dog who tragically had to be euthanized due to being aggressive. She showed up about two years ago. Taylor’s voice sounds almost exactly like Sigourney Weaver, funnily enough. She is a voice of reason, peace, and tranquility. I consider her to be somewhat of a “boss” type of being, generally being louder than all of the other voices- the ones with names, and of those without. Taylor comes to me most often at night and walks me through my bedtime routine. She tells me how many times I need to do my nightly “Cleansing Ritual”- of which I will never share with anyone. Being a voice of reason, I turn to her when I am anxious, confused, or scared of the other voices. Although in real life, Taylor was an aggressive dog, as one of my voices, she is at peace, and is a wonderful presence in my mind. Interestingly, Taylor is one of the only voices I have that does not have a face. Sometimes, either her face as a dog (Alaskan malamute) will show up, or the face of an extremely average looking woman will show up. Both faces have Taylor’s voice, but neither shows up consistently. 
2. Pete: Pete is a voice based on a character from the show “Big Mouth.” He showed up about two years ago. In the show, Pete was a “logic rock.” As one of my voices, he fulfills that role as well. His voice is more of a baritone, very calm, logical- of course, a stereotypical “white office worker guy” voice. He looks like how his character is portrayed in the show. Tall, in a white button-down shirt and either blue or green dress pants. He often wears a tie. He is a humanoid living rock. So he is a light slate gray color. He gets nervous frequently when things do not go smoothly. Sometimes I have to talk him down, and frequently, he has to talk me down and have me “logic my way out of things.”
3. Domingo: Domingo showed up about a year ago, with the release of the “Domingo” skit on SNL. Domingo’s voice is exactly like the character’s voice on the show. At night, I do “Roll Call” to summon all of the voices. When Domingo arrives, just like on SNL, he says, “Ryan, I’m here.” Domingo helps me with relationship/romantic things. That is his purpose. He is constantly telling me that I am a step above the rest, in the romantic/dating scene. He often tells me that I’m in the top 1% as for being a boyfriend. Basically, I can’t get a woman pregnant by accident, I have impeccable personal hygiene, I can buy whomever I’m dating pads and tampons without instruction, I’m emotionally intelligent, and understand that pelvic exams, nipple hairs, periods, bras, and downstairs razor burn are the worst parts about being a woman (other than hate crimes, discrimination, and sexism). Domingo gives me a lot of confidence in the dating realm- especially in a world where not many women are willing to be with a schizophrenic trans man that works over 80 hours per week. I am very thankful to have Domingo on my side. 
4. Petra: Petra appeared about a year and a half ago, and is another character from “Big Mouth.” Like in the show, Petra is an “ambition gremlin.” She motivates me to keep going, whether that be in my careers in academia and in healthcare, with this blog (this blog was her idea), in the upkeep of my hygiene, relationships, and the care of my living space and pets. Her voice is high pitched and nasally. She has a generalized East Coast accent. Petra, as much as I care for her, her presence can be grating and annoying. However, I am so thankful to have her in my life to motivate me to keep going. Sometimes, I believe that we need that nagging, annoying voice to motivate us.
5. Balthazar and Leandre: Balthazar and Leandre are a package deal, and they have been with me for about four years. Also from “Big Mouth” (can you tell I really enjoyed this show? hahaha), they are the Knights of Saint Joseph who are personified pubic hairs with the purpose of protecting the character “Lola.” For me, they are not personifications of my own pubic hairs, but they look like 13th century knights, complete with swords and English longbows (despite taking AP European history my senior year of high school in 2016, I have no clue if this depiction is historically accurate). They have blonde hair, Balthazar has a blonde, bushy goatee, and Leandre has a big, bushy, blonde moustache. They wear metal armor and chainmail. Their purpose for me is to basically hype me up. They say nothing but positive things to me, they encourage me to go out, be social, and communicate with friends and family. They are hilarious, often cracking jokes. When I do roll call, both of them call out, “We’ve arrived, your Majesty!” I love both of them dearly, and I hope that they stick around for a while.
6. Pennywise: Pennywise from the Stephen King book “It” showed up just a month ago. A month ago, I forgot to take my medication before working a 7pm-7am shift at Gateway Gardens during my med tech training. I was shaking a lot, and hearing a lot of voices, and went outside for a quick break. It was approximately 2am, and I was sitting in the smoking area when Pennywise appeared. He is tall, probably about seven feet. The version of Pennywise I see is the newest iteration from 2017. In my opinion, the first version of It is much scarier, so the Pennywise I see is really not that bad. However, when Pennywise first showed up, he was covered in blood and holding a bloody knife. He likes to say “Hi Ryan!” (similar to “hi Georgie!”) “I’m gonna get you!” “I’m gonna kill you!” “They all know.” “We’re watching you!” And the classic, “We all float down here.” His voice sounds exactly how it sounds in the movie. The first few times I saw Pennywise, he terrified me- I did end up running home in the middle of my shift to take my medication. But after a few days, I ended up adding him to my nightly roster. Although Pennywise says things most people consider scary, luckily for me I have a morbid sense of humor and absolutely no fear of death (having worked with at least 80 residents who are dying on hospice has pretty much eliminated that fear), so I find Pennywise’s comments and sayings quite humorous. 
7. Gratitoad: Gratitoad is yet another “Big Mouth” character who has been with me for about a year. His voice is a twangy, drunk, southern accent. Gratitoad helps me to practice gratitude, to see the positive side of things. True to his name, Gratitoad encourages me to be grateful for who I am, what I have, and for what the future holds. I am immensely grateful for him.

Those are the eight main voices that I hear on a regular basis. However, I hear many more voices than just them throughout the day. I don’t have names for them, and they are mainly command voices and negative voices. They aren’t all bad though. Quite a few of them make sarcastic, witty comments that basically narrate what I’m doing and make observations about my surroundings. These voices say things that I would never say, and absolutely do not reflect my actual feelings about the things/people that I interact with. If you are a paying subscriber, you will notice in my “Voices” series of posts that the voices say vile and horrible things, including racial slurs. AGAIN, the things the voices say- and I think I can largely speak for many people with schizophrenia, absolutely DO NOT reflect my actual feelings. 

The worst of the voices are the command voices. They do exactly what they are named for: commanding me to do things- often things I really don’t want to do. They will tell me to hurt and kill myself, drive my car off a bridge, burning myself with cigarettes, cutting- lots of self harm stuff. I luckily have not had command voices telling me to hurt other people or animals, so in that respect, I am incredibly lucky. These voices tell me to look at visual hallucinations that scare me. They will repeat the words, “Look. Look. Look. I FUCKING SAID LOOK!” It’s very intense. And while the command voices are talking to me, there are usually a menagerie of other voices whispering and chatting in the background and sometimes breaking through to say other things to me. 

When the command voices and visual hallucinations get too intense to handle, I have non-medication interventions, as well as PRN (pro-re-nata, “as needed”) medications to deal with them. Non-medication interventions for me include playing the piano, watching TV, walking/petting my pets, getting a snack or drink, reading, and listening to music, among others. I try to do at least three interventions before taking my medication. Sometimes the interventions work, and sometimes they don’t.

For PRN meds, I have the following: 2 mg haldol, 5 mg haldol, and 1 mg ativan. I generally take the 2 mg haldol and/or 1 mg ativan when the interventions don’t work. The 5 mg haldol is essentially for mental health emergencies- like I take it when I’m considering going to the psychiatric hospital or calling the crisis line. The other time I will sometimes take it is at night, as it generally puts me to sleep in about 30 minutes after taking it. I guess I can’t hallucinate if I’m sleeping!

Anyway, I wanted to introduce the cast of characters (although there are many, many more) that live in my head, and are a part of my reality despite being based in fantasy. Thank you for reading!