My Diagnosis has Changed

I want to take a look at another mental health disorder today: Bipolar Disorder.

Have you ever heard someone talking about the weather and say some iteration of, “the weather is being bipolar today!” or,  “Ugh, she’s so bipolar!” Stop. Just don’t. Think back to one of my previous articles about OCD. It’s the same concept. 

Actual bipolar disorder involves cycling from mania or hypomania (more about that later), and depression. These changes take place from weeks to months- not minute by minute like most people think. 

Ryan, you say, “Isn’t this blog about your mental health journey? You don’t even have bipolar!” Well, actually, I do. The last few weeks have been tough. I don’t eat much anymore (I’m hardly ever hungry), barely sleep (but am not at all tired), jump from project to project, and pretty much blew all of my money on stupid stuff. These factors, especially the sleep thing, caused both of my mental health practitioners to diagnose me with schizoaffective disorder-bipolar type. This basically means that I meet both criteria for schizophrenia and bipolar at the same time. 

Right now, I am in a manic state. What is mania? Mania is a symptom of bipolar disorder that causes elevated and irritable moods, delusions of grandeur, reckless spending, taking part in unsafe or risky activities such as doing drugs or having indiscriminate unprotected sex. Mania laughs in the face of the concept of sleep, with sufferers staying up for days at a time and not being tired. 

More on sleep- I generally try to go to bed between 10-11pm, and wake at a reasonable time the next morning. Recently, however, I’ve been going to bed whenever the hell I want- 7:30pm? 2:00am? I don’t care anymore. I’ve been looking back at my personal diary to see when the sleepless nights started- the first mention of not sleeping was on November 12th. So I have been running on 2-4 hours of sleep per night for the past 12 days, sometimes staying up for over 24 hours. But it’s okay. I’m not tired.

Overall, mania is, for lack of a better word, weird. I have been experiencing racing thoughts- things I’ve never thought of before- but can I remember any of them? Nope. I have also been fighting the thought that I shouldn’t even try to eat or sleep at this point. I’m not tired, and I’m not hungry. Quite the opposite, actually. I feel like I don’t need sleep or food. Dare I say, mania can be almost fun! I have been trying to look at the lack of sleep situation as positive, because I get to be up when the world is asleep. It’s so quiet in the morning. So peaceful. 

But being manic does not equate to being “happy.” It can be happy, but there’s a huge amount of irritability that comes along with it. In mania, you want what you want when you want it. This can mean buying needless things because you think you need them, eating (increase or decrease in appetite), increased sex drive, or turning to drugs or alcohol (it’s a good thing that I am not a heavy drinker, and quit weed- my issue is with nicotine).

Impulsivity is a big part of mania. This has been an issue for me as well. This can present as overspending, which I definitely have been doing. As of this morning, I have $7 to my name, and have been declined twice when trying to use my credit card. It’s honestly so embarrassing. I don’t make that much, but I certainly make enough to where I should be able to save a couple hundred dollars per month. I should not be maxing out my credit card, or overdrawing my checking account. 

As for the medication changes that came with this diagnosis, it hasn’t been too bad. My nurse practitioner prescribed me lithium. I have only been on it for the past four days, and while I am feeling better, I am very much walking on eggshells trying to get out of this mental health crisis. I was told to take it at night because it is supposed to make me tired. It does tire me out temporarily, but honestly, this medication is probably the only reason I’m sleeping at all. 

It has taken me a few days to write this article, mostly because I’m nervous about sharing something so deeply personal and intense with the world. However, I think back to the values I hold, and have come to the conclusion that if this article reaches someone, anyone, who is struggling with their mental health and provides comfort and validation, any remaining embarrassment or discomfort is worth it. And besides, I literally run a mental health/gender blog- I’m a pretty open book. 

Having schizoaffective disorder-bipolar type is just a diagnosis, no different than a diagnosis of a broken arm or migraines. Granted, it can be, and is debilitating. But with the proper care and support, people with this diagnosis can live full and happy lives.