As you can tell from the title, there is a lot of shit going on right now. I’m pretty much recovered from my manic episode. I am sleeping most nights now, and semi-unfortunately gained back the 35 pounds I lost between June and November. I have failed two more medications- seroquel (antipsychotic- for schizophrenia) and lithium (mood stabilizer- for bipolar disorder).
How exactly did I fail lithium? We are not entirely sure, but it seems that I had too much of the drug in my body, and it was turning toxic. While I did not display signs of toxicity like vomiting and diarrhea, I very quickly developed severe tremors and muscle twitching. It got to the point where I couldn’t hold a cup of water or a fork, write on the computer, carry things without dropping them, and couldn’t hold on to the steering wheel to drive. So my NP advised me to stop taking it immediately.
My nurse practitioner started me on lamotrigine (Lamictal) today for my bipolar disorder. I’m cautiously optimistic on this one. For one, it is considered weight neutral- so hopefully I’m not going to pack on any more pounds. The other side effects are not too terrible either. The only one that is of any worry is a rash that typically occurs in people of Asian descent. Being that I am Filipino, this is a concern, however, my provider has said that she has never seen the rash before, even with her Asian patients.
As for work, things have been overwhelming. Things I keep procrastinating on are piling up and catching up with me. (I realize this is entirely my fault) I feel awful. It’s like everything I do is wrong. I don’t know what to do. I am truly trying my best, but everything I do isn’t working, or is the wrong thing. I really do like teaching, but I’m seriously at the end of my rope.
Speaking of being at the end of my rope, my stupid ass bipolar disorder has me thinking I’m a millionaire and can just spend money whenever I want. Again, I know it’s entirely my fault, but having a negative balance in my bank account and a maxed out credit card two weeks before payday is incredibly stressful. This month I sold two guitars and an amplifier, my xbox, and am currently collecting bottles and cans just so I have enough to get gas so I can go to work.
Things aren’t all bad though. One of my lights at the end of the tunnel is my partner. I have been single since 2019, and now my partner and I are looking at houses to rent together. We spend so much beautiful time together, and she makes me forget about my problems for a bit. I feel fully at ease with her, and I’m ready to build a life together.
The other light, so to speak, is my job prospect(s). There is one job (I’m not going to put all my eggs in a basket), in a location I want to move to, and the organization specifically asked me to apply, and even offered to edit my cover letter before I submitted it. So I definitely think I have a decent chance. And it pays almost twice what I’m making now. So this is a huge opportunity for me, and I cannot afford to fuck it up.
An honorable mention for good things is the medication clozapine. It is considered the gold standard for treating treatment-resistant schizophrenia. One is only eligible for this medication once they’ve failed at least two antipsychotics. I’ve failed five- abilify, zyprexa, seroquel, haldol, and chlorpromazine. So, yeah, I think I qualify. There are serious side effects, though. There’s some weird blood condition that can kill you. For the first six months, you have to get weekly blood draws, so that’s fun. But the one I’m more concerned with is massive weight gain- like 60-70lbs on average. One inpatient NP states that he’s seen people gain 1lb per DAY. I’m chubby enough. I do not need another 70lbs on my frame. Oh, not to mention the increased risk of severe constipation and even bowel obstruction. The same NP states that patients on clozapine need to take miralax twice per day to ensure that they don’t DIE FROM CONSTIPATION. I know I always say I’m looking for a way out, but dying from a bowel obstruction (having your colon literally fucking explode) is not how I want to go out.
But, so many psychiatrists state that clozapine is life changing in a good way. So many people’s lives have changed in a positive way from taking this drug. People go from speaking in word salad to speaking in full, complete sentences. People on clozapine say that their lives were saved from taking this medication. So, I am tentatively on board with taking it. A life with less voices, or even no voices at all, is tempting. I just don’t know what it would be like not having my usual 7-10 voices narrating my life all the time, telling me to do all manner of scary things to myself. I love silence, and silence is something I have not experienced in a long time.
The Crazy People Diaries 
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