My First experiences With Suicidal Ideation, Bullying, and Suicidal Friends

***Content warning: This post contains graphic descriptions of suicide, depression, suicidal ideation, plans to complete suicide, bullying, and knives and alcohol being used for self-injurious behavior and self-medicating. Names have been changed to protect the identities of the people in this story.***

Back in the 2013-2014 school year, I was a freshman at Spencerport High School in Spencerport, New York. I really hated almost everyone save for a select few. It was at this time that I became close to two guys, C and T (these are fake initials to protect privacy). There were about thirty of us who had almost the exact same schedule, as we were in advanced math, honors English, pre-AP world history, and advanced biology. C, T, and I became especially close during the evolution unit in biology class because we were the only ones doing the homework without hemming and hawing about Jesus and creationism. I’m specifically thinking of a couple of popular girls who were whiny brats, and one very high achieving dude that, no joke, one time cried because he got an A- on a test rather than an A+. The rest of the class begrudgingly did the homework with much ignorant complaining and infuriating fanfare.

The exceptions to this were C, T, and I. Now, I want to make something very clear: I did not particularly like these two guys, and almost immediately forgot about them when my family moved across the country- they were not overly friendly to me either (I had to look up C in the yearbook because I forgot his name). However, they did on some level accept me because I was so sick of hearing about all of this creationism and Jesus crap every time we were given science homework. I knew they were both atheists, they knew I was an atheist, and all three of us were on the brink of suicide, and we all talked about it in the back of the science classroom when we were working on labs all the time. 

We talked about how we would do it, where we would do it, when we would do it, and what we thought the aftermath would be. T told our little trio on many occasions that he was planning on coming to school early with a razor-sharp knife and eviscerating himself at his desk. He said, and I will never forget this, “I’m gonna get to class early, take out my knife, and then, guts.” To be clear, he was not planning to harm anyone except himself- I asked. C wanted to hang himself at home. I’m not going to tell you what my plan was- I’m not ready to do that, and that may be a post for later on. 

We also talked about self-harm. I had only done it one time at this point by pressing the tip of my hunting knife into the left side of my chest until I bled. I still have the scar. The act itself had scared me so much that I wouldn’t self-harm for another four or five years at least. C and T self-harmed through alcohol. Both regularly got blackout drunk on hard liquor by themselves, in their rooms, in the woods, and in cornfields in the middle of the night, and often hoped that they would not wake up after passing out.

Had our science teacher been paying attention, the three of us may have gotten the help we desperately needed. All three of us were convinced that if we died- in any manner, that no one would miss us, except perhaps our parents and siblings. We all felt left in the dust, forgotten, and unappreciated. C and T, to my knowledge, were not being bullied- they were just severely depressed and fundamentally unhappy. I, on the other hand, was bullied by a girl named AK (these are her actual initials because I genuinely do not care about protecting her identity, fuck you, AK).

What made it feel so terrible was not the bullying itself, but that my so-called “friends” never stood up for me. Some of my “friends” invited her to sit at our table during lunch, and would laugh along when AK gave me the middle finger and tell me to kill myself. Now, I don’t necessarily blame my friends for their lack of action, and have since come to relative peace with it (not forgiveness, but peace). It’s really tough to stand up for a friend at any stage of life, especially in middle school and early high school- but I genuinely believe that the even the smallest action on their part would have made a difference. There was one time that AK gave me the middle finger at lunch and spit food in my face. I decided to switch tables, sitting by myself. About ten minutes later, only one of my “friends” had come to sit with me. I am very thankful for her actions that day, and commend her for her bravery and compassion. But everyone else remained at the table with AK, and whenever I would look back, AK flipped her middle finger at me.

But I did gain something from this experience- my experiences with C and T taught me to never assume how someone may be feeling in any given moment. They may be elated, or at rock bottom, ready to explode. My experience with AK taught me how to stand up not only for myself, but others. She taught me what real friendship was, and real friends don’t allow others to treat their friends the way AK treated me. 

I haven’t spoken to C and T in over 10 years (and I honestly have no desire to do so), and I sincerely hope they’re doing well. I want to say to them, thank you for helping me get through advanced bio, and for providing some relief to the long and emotionally arduous days that my last year in Spencerport brought me. As for AK, part of me hopes you’ve learned your lesson and are more kind now, even if it was at my expense. But the other part of me genuinely hopes you are suffering now just as much as I did, every time you cussed me out in the hallway, teased me in Spanish class, every time you demanded to borrow my swim caps and goggles at swim practice, and every time you would make fun of me and ask, “does that raise your blood pressure?” with a smirk on your face. That may be vengeful and petty, but I don’t give a single fuck about your feelings, just like you didn’t care about mine. I will always remember you with the air of utmost disrespect and ill wishes. I am not afraid of you anymore, and I absolutely hope that this post shows people around you your true colors.

Nowadays, I refuse to be treated the same way I was treated in middle school and early high school. I try my best to stand up for myself and others. I don’t take bullshit from anyone, and am not afraid to call people out for toxic and abusive behavior. Last year, I ended a friendship because of the way this person treated me. Like many abusers, her behavior started out as jaunty and lighthearted teasing, and grew to a point that I was becoming anxious to just be around her. I started to feel the same way around her as I did with AK. I have been bullied enough as a young teenager, and I refuse to be treated the same way as an adult. I don’t deserve it. No one deserves it. In the first few weeks after I ended the friendship, I was constantly questioning my choice to do so. But eventually, that feeling abated and was replaced with confidence and empowerment.

My final pieces of advice regarding the topics of this post are:

1. Hold yourself, your friends and your family to a high standard. Real friends and family are not there to make you feel shitty. They are there to uplift, encourage, and support you.
2. Do not assume how people are feeling at any point in time. Sometimes, something as simple as saying “hi” to them will make their day, and may even save their life.
3. If you are a teacher, don’t zone out when your class is working and mindlessly chatting with each other. You may catch and notice suicidal ideation or bullying among your students in those moments.
4. If you or someone you know are getting bullied, do not keep it to yourself. By telling a trusted friend or adult (if you are a child), you are NOT tattling on them. You are advocating for yourself or your friend, and are taking the first step to ending abusive behavior.