My Kid Just Came Out. What Should I do?

Disclaimer: I am not a parent. Nor will I ever be. However, I wanted to write an article to address how to support children who come out as queer. Feel free to comment and share your stories!

“Coming out” is a big deal. It always has been. Even just 30-50 years ago, coming out to parents, siblings, extended family, friends, and coworkers/employers often had horrible consequences. People distance themselves from the queer person, and the person may even get fired from their job or disowned from their family. Unfortunately, this still happens today in some cases. I want to address in this article how to react and support a person who is coming out- especially if the person who is coming out is your child. 

“Mom, Dad, we need to talk. I’m _______.” That is one of the scariest phrases a LGBTQ+ child can say. Oftentimes, at least for me, both times I came out, I rehearsed what I was going to say, expecting the worst. Luckily, my story ended in a positive way, after many months of adjustment. Coming out as bisexual was fairly easy. In fact, many of my friends and family already knew, and weren’t in the least bit surprised. When it came to coming out as trans, my friends, again, pretty much knew. Family, however, was a bit different. It took a long time for them to come to terms with it. And it took a period of about six months of no contact for them to take the situation seriously and accept it. But luckily now, my immediate family and I are closer than we have ever been, and we have a fantastic relationship. 

Everyone’s coming out story is different. Some end in catastrophe, others end in pure joy and happiness. Some, like my own, take time, but ultimately end better than can be expected. But I was an adult when I came out. I had my own place and was financially independent. I was not at risk of losing my home or financial support, or at risk of physical violence when I came out. Others are not so lucky. 

So, as a parent, what are you “supposed” to do when your child comes out? It’s so simple: believe them. Your child has likely agonized over many sleepless nights how you may possibly react. They may have heard in their head “It’s just a phase. You’ll grow out of it.” or, “You just haven’t met the right person yet!” or “You’re too young to know that you are xyz.” All of these phrases are common reactions to young people, especially children, who come out. Not only do those phrases hurt to hear, but they also invalidate deep, intrinsic feelings that your child was born with. They are downright disrespectful. 

You may say that you know your child better than anyone, and that there’s no way they can be feeling this way. But guess what? You aren’t a mind reader. Your child knows themself better than you know them. 

Especially if your child is middle school aged or younger, you may think that they are too young to know if they are gay or trans. But think about it. How often does our society push heterosexuality and gender assigned at birth on children? Think of Disney movies, for example. The trope of the “true love’s kiss” to wake up Snow White assumes that Snow White is not only heterosexual, but also consenting to a sexual act. Think about Shrek! Fiona, the human, female princess chooses to become an ogre to marry another male ogre in place of a human male. I could go on- almost all fairy tales depicted by Disney are heterosexual, cisgender relationships. It doesn’t even matter to Disney if both of the lovers are human! (Think, “Bee Movie” or Donkey and the Dragon in “Shrek”) As long as they are heterosexual and cisgender, they get the green light to be together, and the movie in question is deemed as “appropriate” for children. 

We also ascribe gender and gender roles on children and expect them to go along with it, too! Before babies are even born, we have “gender reveal parties” where parents invite their friends and family to guess and later find out what genitals their unborn child has. Something that is disturbing to me is when one or both of the parents are visibly disappointed when the child is “the wrong gender.” Aren’t there more important things to be worried about- like, I don’t know, the health and well being of their unborn baby? We separate children’s clothing based on gender in every store- the “boys’ section” and the “girls’ section.” The moment children are born, the nurses put a little blue or pink hat on the babies to discern their gender. We expect that children know their gender as long as it is the one the parents and doctors assign them at birth. But somehow, when the children reject the roles and gender they’ve been assigned at birth, they are in the wrong. Just think about it. Your kid has had a certain gender shoved down their throat from the moment they were conceived. I think they have enough experience and proof to decide whether or not these expectations are appropriate for them.

Another common response is, “they can be gay as long as they keep it in the bedroom. I don’t want to see that.” How many times on social media do we see posts about cisgender, heterosexual couples announcing that they are trying for a baby? What has to happen for a baby to be born, in these cases? Unprotected, repeated, heterosexual, cisgender sexual intercourse. We give people the go-ahead to announce that they are having constant unprotected sex to their friends, family, and employers, yet people get their panties in a bunch over two men holding hands in public.

Like I said in the disclaimer, I am not a parent and never will be. But I can imagine that those who do want kids proclaim that they will unconditionally love their child. But, in many cases, this “unconditional love” gets warped when their child comes out as queer. Unconditional love, by definition, is loving something or someone no matter what. This includes when a child is LGBTQ+. No matter what your religion is, no matter what your personal values are, or how you choose to raise your child- there is always a chance that your child may be queer. In my opinion, if you are not ready to actually unconditionally love your child, gay or straight, cisgender, transgender, or non-binary, you are in no way ready to become a parent. 

As a parent, your duties go beyond providing a room over their heads, clothes on their back, or food on the table. That is the bare minimum. It is your duty to be that child’s safe space. Many parents say that their children can tell them anything. Yet when it comes to sexuality or gender, suddenly an adverse over-the-top reaction is given. 

Parents, listen up. If your child comes out, they will learn one of two lessons about you. One lesson may be that you do not love them for who they are. They learn that there are limits to your love, that they have to fit into a box that appeals to you, otherwise your support ends. The other lesson that they may learn is that you do love them the way they are. They can be who they are in your house without judgement or persecution. Despite what society throws at them, they can always fall back on you to love and support them. There are no limits to your love, and that you are rising above internalized and learned homophobia and transphobia because you love your child so much. These are actually lessons queer people learn whenever they come out- whether that be with friends, coworkers, and other family members. Every. Single. Time.

Parents: Your queer children need your support. Now, more than ever. Put aside your preconceived notions of what being queer is, and do your duty as a parent.